What’s in a Label?

There’s nothing quite like the moment someone throws a new acronym at your child. ASD, ADHD, PDA—often spoken in a slightly hushed tone, as if the doctor or teacher is worried someone might overhear them saying something that could change how the world sees your child. And if you’re anything like me, your first response was probably: What now?

If you’re here, reading this, chances are you’ve had this experience first hand, or you're trying to make sense of neurodivergence. So, let’s break it down—autism, PDA, and ADHD—what they actually mean, why they matter, and why, in reality, these so-called "labels" are better understood as maps. Because when you’re raising a child who doesn’t fit neatly into the world’s expectations, a map is far more useful than a mystery.

Before we dive in, it’s important to recognise that some people are both autistic and ADHD, sometimes with PDA as well. This is known as AuADHD, a term that reflects the unique way these neurotypes intersect. It was once thought impossible to be both autistic and ADHD, as if they were opposing forces. But research, and more importantly lived experience, has proven otherwise.

Being AuADHD isn’t a contradiction; it’s a different way of experiencing the world. Autism and ADHD can pull a person in different directions. ADHD’s impulsivity can mask autistic processing differences, while autism’s need for structure might clash with ADHD’s craving for novelty. One part of the brain might seek predictability and calm, while another is chasing stimulation and change. This push-pull can make it difficult to pinpoint needs and can contribute to exhaustion, frustration, and being misunderstood.

This post is a brief summary based on our experiences. Neurodiversity is vast and varied, and no single description can capture the full spectrum of how these traits present. Every individual experiences and navigates their neurodivergence in their own way, and all ways are valid.

Autism: A Different Operating System, Not a Glitch

Autism is not one thing. It’s not a stereotype, it’s not a tragedy, and it’s definitely not a straight line. It’s a spectrum, though not a linear one, where a child is “a little bit autistic” or “very autistic.” Instead, think of it like a soundboard, where different traits are turned up or down for each individual.

For some, autism means needing structure, predictability, and clear rules. For others, it means deep dives into hyper-focused interests (ask me how much I know about Wings of Fire after one particularly intense month in our household). Some autistic people are highly verbal, some are non-speaking, and many sit somewhere in between. Sensory processing can be a big challenge. Too much noise, light, or even the wrong texture of socks can be overwhelming.

But here’s the kicker: autism itself isn’t a problem. 

The real struggle? The world isn’t built for autistic people.

Autistic kids often get labelled as “difficult” because they communicate differently, process the world in unique ways, and struggle with expectations that make no sense to them (because let’s be honest, some of society’s rules are completely ridiculous). And when their needs aren’t understood, they’re often met with the dreaded “behaviour management” strategies instead of real support.

And then there’s the issue of assumptions. If your child is highly verbal, people assume they can’t be autistic. If they struggle with friendships, they assume they’re “just shy.” If they do well academically, they assume they don’t need help. But being able to mask their struggles doesn’t mean they’re not struggling.

Autism isn’t a disease. It doesn’t need “fixing.” But it does need understanding, accommodation, and the right environment to let kids thrive.

What is PDA? (And No, It’s Not About Holding Hands in Public)

Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is a profile of autism, but it’s one that even a lot of professionals don’t fully understand. If autism is a soundboard of traits, PDA is a unique configuration. One that makes everyday demands feel like unbearable pressure.

For PDA kids, even small requests, “Put on your shoes,” “Time to brush your teeth,” “Come here for a second” can trigger overwhelming anxiety and resistance. Not because they’re being difficult, defiant, or manipulative, but because demands feel like threats. The brain hits panic mode, and suddenly the only way to regain control is to say NO (often loudly, and sometimes while attempting an escape).

Living with a PDA child means becoming a master of indirect communication. You learn to casually mention that you happen to be making toast, rather than asking if they want breakfast. You become fluent in suggestion rather than instruction, and you abandon sticker charts and consequences because they do nothing but escalate things. It’s a constant balancing act of reducing demands, offering autonomy, and giving your child a sense of control. It’s also exhausting.

But once you stop fighting against the way they’re wired and start working with it, things start to shift. It’s not about never getting them to do things—it’s about how you approach it. And trust me, no traditional parenting book prepares you for this.

And yet, PDA is still misunderstood, even by professionals. Many schools struggle with supporting PDA kids because traditional strategies (like reward charts, firm boundaries, and “consistent discipline”) don’t work. PDA requires a completely different approach. Low-demand environments, collaborative problem-solving, and respecting autonomy. And when schools don’t understand it, the result is often exclusion, school refusal, and increased anxiety.

ADHD: The Brain That Won’t Sit Still

ADHD gets a bad rap. It’s often dismissed as “just being hyper” or “not paying attention.” But in reality, ADHD is a whole-brain difference that affects everything—attention, impulse control, emotions, motivation, even sleep.

The ADHD brain is like having 57 tabs open at once, with music playing on one, a cat video on another, and a critical deadline looming somewhere in the background—but you can’t remember which tab it’s on. It’s an interest-driven brain, meaning focus isn’t the problem—it’s that focus only locks on when something is engaging.

And then there’s the assumption that ADHD means “naughty” or “lazy.” Schools are quick to punish ADHD kids for struggling with executive function (which is like punishing a kid for needing glasses). But instead of adjusting expectations and offering the right support, many schools treat ADHD like a behavioural issue instead of a neurological one.

Labels: A Blessing and a Curse

Labels are useful. They help us understand our kids, access resources, and build community. But labels also come with baggage. In both the health and school systems, funding and supports are tied to labels, not actual needs. A child who technically qualifies for support might not get it because their struggles aren’t severe enough on paper. Meanwhile, another child who is barely coping might not qualify at all because they don’t fit the system’s rigid definition of “disabled enough.”

And we’ve lived this first hand.

Chalk, with what our behavioural paediatrician called the most extreme case of ADHD she had ever seen, did not get a cent of support—not in school, not through the health system, nowhere. Meanwhile, Cheese, whose support needs are lower, did qualify for funding. Chalk’s school was pushing us to get an autism diagnosis, not because it would change his needs, but because that’s the only way they could unlock support for him.

🚨 THE SYSTEM IS BROKEN. 🚨

Labels are supposed to open doors, but too often, they create boxes.

This is why we need more than just labels. We need understanding. We need a system that recognises actual needs, not just diagnostic codes on a funding application. We need schools and healthcare providers that see the child in front of them instead of playing a bureaucratic game of "which label unlocks which pot of money?"

Because at the end of the day, the real question shouldn’t be:

"Does this child fit the funding criteria?"

It should be:

"Does this child need support?"

And if the answer is yes, then that should be enough.

The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far: Discovering Neurodivergence in the Family

One of the unexpected twists of walking the diagnosis path with your child is the realisation that neurodivergence often runs in the family. Many parents, while researching ADHD, autism, or other neurodivergent traits for their child, start recognising familiar patterns in themselves, or in that uncle who always seemed a little "quirky," or the grandparent with a lifetime of "coping strategies."

Sometimes, the label we’re seeking for our child ends up being one that makes sense of our own experiences too.

Has this happened to you? Have you found yourself, or a family member, on this unexpected journey of self-discovery?

I'd love to hear your story in the comments.

Resources: Lived Experience & Professional Insight

When looking for information about autism, PDA, and ADHD, we prefer sources created by those with lived experience. Autistic, ADHD, and PDA individuals bring first hand insight that traditional medical and educational perspectives often miss. However, professional expertise also has its place, especially when it embraces a neuroaffirming approach rather than outdated deficit-based models.

Here are some of our favourites including neurodivergent voices, professional perspectives, and advocacy organisations:

Autistic Self-Advocacy Network (ASAN) – www.autisticadvocacy.org

Autistic-led advocacy group fighting for the rights and inclusion of autistic individuals. Strong focus on policy change, self-advocacy, and rejecting harmful therapies.

NeuroClastic – www.neuroclastic.com

A collective of autistic writers offering deep, personal perspectives on sensory processing, masking, burnout, and advocacy.

Kristy Forbes – Autism & Neurodiversity Support – www.kristyforbes.com.au

An autistic educator, parent, and advocate who offers professional courses and guidance with a lived-experience lens. Focuses heavily on supporting PDA and AuDHD children.

NeuroWild (Taylor Dall) – www.neurowild.com

An autistic speech-language pathologist (SLP) who breaks down neurodivergence in an accessible, engaging way—especially useful for parents and teachers.

PDA Society – www.pdasociety.org.uk

The go-to resource for understanding and supporting PDA children and adults. Run by PDA individuals and parents. Advocates for low-demand, autonomy-based strategies.

ADHD Foundation – www.adhdfoundation.org.uk 

A UK-based advocacy and research group focused on strengths-based ADHD support rather than a disorder-based view.

Dr. Ross Greene – Lives in the Balance – www.livesinthebalance.org 

A clinical psychologist specialising in Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) a low demand approach to behaviour that is highly effective for PDA and ADHD kids.

Speech Dude (Chris Wenger) – www.speechdude.com

A neurodivergent speech-language pathologist who creates neurodiversity-affirming communication tools, especially for ADHD, autistic, PDA and AuADHD students. Naomi Fisher – www.naomifisher.co.uk

A clinical psychologist and author specialising in self-directed education, trauma-informed approaches, and the psychology of learning, particularly for neurodivergent children, including autistic, ADHD, and PDA learners.

School Can’t Australia – www.schoolcantaustralia.com.au

Volunteer-run charity supporting parents and carers of children experiencing school attendance difficulties and mental health challenges. Advocates for systemic change, provides community support, and promotes understanding of school can't situations.

Thanks for reading.

I’m not here with all the answers, just sharing the messy middle as we figure it out.

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